It’s the 22nd of the December. In less than 2 weeks, 2018 will be over. A new year will start, which means new beginnings! But we do have new beginnings every day, don’t we?
I haven’t really written anything about my life lately and you might be wondering how I am doing. Well, I am fine. And by fine, I mean I am still breathing. I wouldn’t be able to write here now wouldn’t I if I am dead. Anyway, yeah, I’m good. I’m giving my all to at least, survive.
As you all know, my life is in a mess. A humongous mess! And I am trying to fix it although honestly, I don’t think it can be fixed. My life has been a mess since my birth, I don’t think there will ever be a fixing to it. I am doomed, I guess.
This year though, I went to Taiwan — my first out-of-the-country travel. I’m not gonna go into details of my adventure because I plan on making an entire entry about my travel there. But it has been 3 months and I have barely even started yet. It was fantastic though. At first I was ecstatic landing at Taoyuan International Airport, then felt really homesick as I was walking around Taipei. But I recovered from it and the experience was amazing.
Something unexpected happen to my life though. Believe it or not, me, the person who has difficulty making friends, made friends! And it wasn’t with a few people, there were many of them. I’m not really in touch with all of them, however, I know, when we were together, something within us clicked. Or maybe it is just me. But I really appreciate them for coming into my life. Even if it’s only for a short time. Maybe one day, our paths will cross again. Who knows. Sometimes, the world is very small anyway. But right now, I am just very grateful for all the memories they left me. The smiles they left my heart; that pinch of happiness I felt that I think I do not deserve. Meeting these people taught me so much. They’re very passionate and it was wonderful to meet like-minded people. We are, somehow, alike when it comes to wanting to see and discover the world.
So basically, I am in the journey of fixing of my life. Deceiving my parents makes me the most despicable person in the entire world and I do know I deserve to suffer. I deserve hell — the hell underneath and the hell on earth. I just deserve all the pain there is. Yet I do want to make something of myself. I do want to make my parents proud of me. I know I can’t give them the degree that they want but isn’t a child’s happiness a parents’ happiness as well? Can I make them proud of me with just becoming happy?
I do try to fight the beasts inside of me. The monsters in my heart are consuming me with every breath I take. With every positive thought that comes to mind, I suffocate. I know I do not deserve to live and yet, I want to free the caged bird inside of me. I want to spread my wings. How do I do that? I don’t know. But for a starter, finding a job is one. Freeing myself from my parents’ money will give me independence and a sense of fulfillment.
I have no plans on telling my parents the truth. Not on this life. I don’t want to disappoint them again. It seems like all I did my entire life was give them troubles, make them cry, make them worry, disappoint them. I’m a selfish person and evil. But I do hope one day I can take my parents to Israel and Vatican. Those are the places I know they would like to go. (I actually would want to say Maldives but my father has been there countless of times. So, maybe Hawaii?)
All in all, this year has been crazy. Depressing. Sad. The urge to die was at its peak. But I met people who made me realize so many things; who helped me see the positive side of my seemingly hopeless situation. But still, even if they give there all to help me, when I do not want to help myself, nothing will happen still. It has to start from me. And I have to act on it. I have to believe that something great is meant for me. That God brought me to this world for a reason. That I really have a purpose in this world. I just have to find that purpose. I must have the passion to everything. And most importantly, I must really have the will to live.
May the universe conspire in helping me achieve whatever it is I am trying to achieve.
Here’s a photo of myself from 2016 when I got a job and felt really good about myself.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, guys!
Not like someone’s reading this though!
Xoxo
Zaneでした
